Ruin My Life
by Trinity23Rose
Summary: Snowells follow up on 1x19 – Caitlin's reaction to finding out Harrison's real identity
1. Chapter 1

Snowells follow up on 1x19 – Caitlin's reaction to finding out Harrison's real identity

* * *

"Ruin your life?" Barry frowned, having just heard that from Caitlin. "What are you talking about _ruin your life_?" Now he was even more confused. He couldn't understand why she, out of all the people, would be so stupid to go over to dr. Wells's house at such a late hour to demand answers. He got that she believed in the man and couldn't yet accept the truth, but this was a little too extreme. And now, as he actually had to snatch her right from dr. Wells's doorstep, she said something like _that_.

Caitlin sighed, looking away briefly, a strange expression appearing on her face. Something was clearly bothering her. It was as though… _oh, no_ , immediately crossed Barry's mind. She couldn't actually be _working_ with Wells, could she? She was too good for that. He'd eventually believed dr. Wells was a murderer after giving it a lot of thoughts, not able to comprehend that himself at first either, but _Caitlin_? _No. Not possible._

And then she went and said something he so did not see coming.

"I love him." The answer was simple and straight to the point, bare honesty clear on her face. And fear. So, so much of devastating fear.

Barry truly didn't know whether to comfort her or…

In the end, though, shock won over.

"Caitlin, you can't love someone like that."

"But I do!" Now there were tears in her eyes that she couldn't seem to stop anymore. She also started to shake. "Barry…"

"Hey, it's ok… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you. I just… It came as a surprise, but… Caitlin, he is the bad man here. You just made a mistake of admiring him." He reached for her as though he wanted to hug her, but she made a step backwards, holding up her hand.

"Barry, I didn't mean that I loved him from afar because I'm impressed by him. I'm _in_ love with him and we're _together_."

"Wait… _what_?" One more time that night Barry was rendered speechless. He started to think that being surprised would soon become his permanent expression.

"You don't know the whole story. We're both… very private," Caitlin continued her explanation. "You ever wondered why I just let Ronnie go? I told him the truth. I told him I chose Harrison and he… he decided it would be best if he left and train with professor Stein somewhere else. I'm sorry, but this is the truth."

Barry covered his open mouth with his hands and then raised them up to run them through his hair. He turned around, still trying to come to terms with all that information.

"But… but, Caitlin…"

"Not now. I… I need time!" She was just gone, running away from him into the night and he didn't even try to stop her. He knew she was right. She did need it. And he would give it to her. He would watch over her to make sure she was safe, but he had to give her as much time as she wanted.

* * *

After a completely sleepless night, Caitlin arrived at the Labs early, feeling strangely numb as though all of her sensed were dulled. She couldn't think clearly. In fact, she couldn't think at all, feeling like some kind of a ghost with feelings out of control and all over the place, as though it was all too much and her system just crashed when being overloaded.

It was then that she nearly jumped on hearing Harrison's voice coming from behind her. Yet, his arrival wasn't even the worst thing. The worst was that on barely hearing his voice, everything inside of her seemed to awake and be electrified. And she hated herself for it. She hated herself for still having those feelings, for still caring for him beyond any measure, beyond common sense or rationality.

"Is everything all right?" he asked, the strange expression on her face, despite her desperate attempts to hide it, not missing his attention, after all.

"Yes, of course. I just… I couldn't sleep last night." Well, at least it was the truth, even if not in its entirety since she couldn't possibly tell him the reason.

To her surprise, he sighed before reaching for his glasses and taking them off. "Yes, I understand, Caitlin," he said and for a brief moment she was terrified that he'd already figured everything out and she was screwed. Next, he put the glasses back on and looked her straight in the eye. "I know hiding this… relationship," he finally put a label on it, "is hard for you. I don't want to complicate your life even more, Caitlin. We can tell the team. If you want. If… or _when_ …" he then corrected himself, "you're ready."

In the end, there wasn't really much she could do or say without breaking down, so she settled for a nod. Being around him was just getting too hard for her, especially when her heart that was already in love, didn't want to listen to her brain.

"You know that I love you more than anything, do you?" Harrison then added, taking her silence for not really being sure. "All in the right time, Caitlin. I'm a patient man. I just wanted you to know where I stand."

She was already opening her mouth slowly after she swallowed hard, ready to tell him something, just about anything and still not being sure what when they were interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the team.

Caitlin released a breath of relief, glad not to have to talk to him seriously just yet. She knew what that talk should be about – or maybe the better solution would be not talking to him again at all – but her heart still seemed to act so treacherously. She felt torn beyond belief and was lucky to have come up with a reason to disappear in her lab.

She needed more time.

* * *

Caitlin had been handling herself quite all right so far, considering… Well, that was until she actually saw the corpse.

For a moment, she was truly speechless, listening to her friends and Joe about how the DNA matched and the body they were seeing had used to belong to Harrison Wells.

"But if this is Harrison Wells…" her own words had trouble reaching her ears as suddenly everything became so surreal, so misty. She couldn't hear, couldn't feel, could only focus on her breathing, on not passing out, on holding on.

She could make out some sounds and eventually, with a slight delay, the words. Her friends were speculating whether the Reverse Flash had somehow replicated or stolen the original Harrison Wells' body…

The worst thought appeared in her head when she realized the implications and she started hating herself for it. Because she actually dared think that Tess Morgan wasn't the love of the current Wells's life. That if he were really someone else, just wearing dr. Harrison Wells' body suit… then he truly meant it when he'd told her earlier that he loved her. That she was the one and only for him…

She staggered and needed to find some support against the desk behind her as her word started spinning.

 _You know that I love you more than anything, do you?_ His words were echoing in her head and she couldn't help it. Her heart was reacting. Her heart was always reacting. It was always pulling her in Harrison's direction even when her brain argued loudly and more viciously than ever.

What was she supposed to do now?

 _You know that I love you more than anything, do you?_

 _You know that I love you more than anything, do you?_

 _You know that I love you more than anything, do you?_

His voice, the way he looked when he said that, his _eyes_ conveying so much honesty…

She believed him. Damn her, but she did.


	2. Chapter 2

After Cisco and Barry headed home for the night, she stayed at the Labs. She couldn't leave. She just couldn't go back to her place. What would she even do there? Sleep? Yeah, she didn't think so. She was pretty sure she wouldn't sleep again before she actually confronted Harrison about everything, however dangerous that might be for her. She didn't care. It was just something she needed to do.

She decided to wait for him in his secret room out of all places. It was her best option because it would give him no excuse for lying. She wouldn't be able to stand it if he dare lie to her now. She needed the whole truth, no matter how badly that would break her. Who knew, maybe afterwards there wouldn't be anything left of her or her heart, but she needed this all the same.

She contemplated actually texting him to meet her there, but in the end she didn't have to. The Labs were dark and quiet now and the secret door suddenly just opened for him to step inside.

To her astonishment, he wasn't any bit surprised to see here there and she had the worst of feelings that he'd known about every single one of their steps despite them being so careful. He wasn't stupid as the doctor they all knew, so she could only imagine how smart he was as the speedster they all feared.

"Who are you?" she immediately asked him in an accusatory tone, her heart racing again, her world starting to go off balance once more. It was all too much, too many emotions, but she knew she needed to handle them now and stick to the end, to listen to him and to get her closure. Otherwise she'd never rest, sleep or trust any other person ever again, especially _men_.

His blue eyes settled on her own, taking into her shaky state and widened pupils as she actually got to see him standing up, not used to his height.

"I'm whom I've always been this entire time, Caitlin," he eventually answered, honesty clear in his voice along with… was that actually nervousness or fear? She wondered, briefly regaining all of her senses once adrenaline kicked in. She could see everything sharper now and she actually felt her courage return. He wasn't going to hurt her if he hadn't done that already, right? She could grill him all she wanted, the state of her heart after that be damned. "At least when it comes to you," he added after a moment during which she was just eying him, trying to figure him out. "I never lied about my feelings for you, Caitlin."

"But you're the Reverse Flash. You killed Barry's mother."

"There are always two sides to every story and nothing is ever as simple as black and white. I trust you know that."

"Then tell me," she encouraged him in a voice that didn't seem to belong to her anymore. She forced herself to detach from any feelings, just remaining cold and steady because that was the only way she could handle the situation now. "Tell me your side."

Harrison sighed, brought his hand to rub on the side of his head for a moment before dropping it and facing her bravely, "The Barry you know is not the Barry in the future, Caitlin."

* * *

All was said. All the cards laid on the table. All that was left was for her to decide which side she chose.

"Now that you know everything," Harrison added after a longer moment of silence during which she refused to speak up, "you're free to go if you wish."

She wasn't even aware he would keep her there till he'd tell her everything, but maybe it even made some kind of a sense that he would want her to have all the information before she would run away and make what probably was the biggest and most difficult decision in her life.

She was still just standing there, not moving, her eyes starting to bore into his as though she was desperately looking for any sign there to prove that what he'd told her was the truth, that what he felt for her was also so. Or maybe she knew and saw all of that already and was just too scared of what she would do next, of the choice she had already seemed to make, but couldn't accept it in her brain just yet.

Harrison decided to risk it then, making a step closer and when he made sure she didn't try to back away from him, he finally arrived at her side.

"I meant it when I said you're free to go," he told her in a surprisingly soft and husky voice, "but if you stay, my dearest Caitlin, I promise you, you will _never_ regret your decision. You are remarkable. You never cease to amaze me and I actually think you may be the one person who can truly understand me." By the time he finished, his fingers were on her face, his quiet voice in her ear as he moved closer to her, feeling her own ragged breath against the skin of his neck. "Caitlin, I love you," he added then before he found her lips and placed a passionate kiss there, not slowing down, needing to show her how much. He needed her to know how much he wanted and needed her and that without her, he wouldn't enjoy his next step anymore because somehow _she_ had became his life, not revenge.

"Show me." She was actually more surprised by what she said than he was, still not able to believe she did so. Yet, it was what she wanted. _He_ was what she wanted.

She did not see coming what he would do next, though.

He used his powers and before she knew it, they were both naked and he turned her around, her eyes now seeing the yellow suit there in its place, his hands on her breasts and then riding lower to check if she were ready. But it was enough to get her excited and he released a heavy and needy groan at his discovery, instantly plunging himself deeply inside of her, slamming his hips into hers, never ceasing, not giving her any respite, taking her from behind, showing her whom he really was at his core, but in the same time loving her so much.

When she eventually came around him, being pushed so far over the edge, she knew she was screwed. He was her doom, the true ruin to her life.

So be it.

"Next time I can wear the suit when we do it," his voice then reached her. "If you want, of course."

She found herself smiling.


End file.
